4 Most Hilariously Bizarre Criminal Minds Fanfiction

Ah, Rule 34, the unwritten law of the wild, wild internet that states that for everything that exists, there is porn for it. Television shows are not exempt. Here, look at this picture: mggsmsillypic

Nothing out of the ordinary here  

Fans of a sound mind will look at it, chuckle to themselves and go on Twitter to comment at how adorably silly these two friends are. To a fanfic writer, they will see that same picture and it will become the inspiration for some seriously messed up stories, because apparently normal is for pussies.

Those two guys up there are stars on the popular crime drama Criminal Minds. The “Pretty Boy” to the left is Matthew Gray Gubler (who plays Dr. Spencer Reid) and “Chocolate Thunder” next to him is Shemar Moore (Derek Morgan). Their characters are agents who work in the FBI alongside fellow actors Thomas Gibson (Aaron Hotchner), Joe Mantegna (David Rossi), A.J Cook (Jennifer Jareau or J.J) and Kristen Vagness (Penelope Garcia).

I, personally, am a big fan of the show as well as my son, whose favorite character is Rossi and upon my showing him some fanfics featuring Rossi, proceeded to die a little bit inside. He hasn’t been the same since.

boywithhandsonface

Parenting fail. My bad.

                                                       

Now, the entire point of fanfics is to be creative and kind of rewrite beloved shows, movies, etc. but seeing as I’m a sarcastic smartass, I felt it was my mission to share with the class how insane some of these stories are.

If you want to read these yourself and you should, so you can better undertand why I will forevermore have PTSD after this, I will post links.

Now join me down the rabbit hole.

#1 Workout

This is one of those tales that actually begin very innocently.Agent Morgan is helping Dr. Reid train for an upcoming qualifications exam Reid must pass in order to continue doing fieldwork. There is alot of dialogue between the two friends and all seems normal. After their workout, they both go to the locker room to shower then go home. Yeah, you know EXACTLY where this is going.

MGGscream

                                  Mickey’s ghost can’t save you now.                                                                

Rinsing the last of the conditioner from his hair, Reid threw back his head, finger combing the long wet strands out of his eyes. Freezing into place when the soft sounds of a deep sigh and the quiet sound of flesh moving on flesh, in just that way, met his sensitive ears. Glancing over his shoulder, Reid gasped. Derek Morgan, in all of his magnificent glory, started slowly toward him, easily fisting his hard c*** , his deep brown eyes staring hotly at him. Spencer Reid.

Swoon!

Swoon!

                                                                                                                             

There’s some more dialogue but it slowly gets buried under increasingly graphic language, which I won’t put here for fear of the FCC coming to my home and Guantanamo Bay-ing me to oblivion.

Eventually, Morgan takes Reid to a secret and conveniently existent living quarters in an older FBI building. Once there, Morgan makes sure his game is on POINT.

Pulling Reid closer again, he easily untied the loose knot holding closed the robe that covered the slender man, sliding it off of the slim shoulders. Morgan’s hands tenderly caressed the pale skin. You really are beautiful, you know that don’t you? He asked.

That is some serious swagger right there.

Shemar-Moore-gun-show-0707201418-600x450                 That is clearly the look of a man who doesn’t like the ladies

#2 Comfort

On Criminal Minds, J.J is the sweet, caring agent with a heart of gold. She also happens to be married and has a son. Reid is the willowy, socially awkward resident nerd. Prentiss (played by Paget Brewster) is no longer on the show but I’m resurrecting her for the sense of clarity.

This story is a short one but it’s here because for the reasons stated above, it’s just hilarious. It opens with Reid asleep in bed and having a nightmare. He’s awakened to find both Prentiss and J.J on either side of him. I guess that means Reid has a double life where he goes from geek to hardcore pimp.

MGGsillypic2

Pictured: Pimp

He is visibly upset and both women console him in a motherly way. It doesn’t seem to be helping and Reid, growing desperate, asks his-ahem-“friends” to do him a solid, Which they are happy to do.

“I want to forget, please help me forget.” He pleaded

That is so smooth, that when I read it, I gave him a standing ovation.

matthew-gray-gubler-bullett-2

 Alright. DAMN GOOD pimp!

“We’ll help you forget.” Emily promised a she leaned in and trailed her tongue around the shell of the young genius’s ear. “Emily” he breathed as he tilted his head back. Smiling as he bared his neck J.J latched on to his collarbone and began suckling gently. Slowly she bit down, leaving a mark

“What do you say we have a little fun?” J.J suggested, turning to Emily with a wink.

Dammit J.J, I thought I knew you.

So shall it be written, so shall it be done.

#3 First time Love

Allow me to introduce you to Morgan and Garcia.

morgan&garcia

Awwww

  

On the show, they flirt with each other in the cutest ways possible, but in reality, they have a strictly platonic relationship. This, of course, was not to the writer’s satisfaction.

It starts with Garcia and Morgan chillin’ on her couch as he gives her a back rub. Already, you can tell there will be some bumpin’ and grindin’ in their future. Before you ask, no, I don’t know how they ended up on that couch. I thought I saw an epilogue on the main menu of the fanfic site but I didn’t read it because I have an unorthodox sense of humor and think this story sounds much funnier out of context.

So, naturally, massage leads to kissing which in turn leads to “Bow Chika Bow Wow.

morgan&garciakiss

Calm down Reid, Morgan’s got enough lovin’ to go around

 

Morgan’s hand left her plump breast and traveled down her body and until his fingers reached something he did not expect to find on her body.

morgan&garciasurprised

This isn’t going to end well is it?

 

Smiling and playing with the surprise, he plunged his tongue into her mouth and showed her with his tongue what he wanted to do to her body. Coming up for air he said “Why Penelope Garcia, you are the last person I would have expected to have a belly button ring. It’s sexy!”

Garcia-with-a-whip

Last person? Really?

 

Things get even kinkier until moment of entry when Morgan realizes that Garcia is a virgin.

Penelope could not stop the sharp gasp of pain as she was entered for the first time. It wasn’t that bad and it was only a fleeting pain, but Derek heard it and felt the barrier and stopped instantly in shock. “Why didn’t you tell me Penelope?” He asked in shock.

Okay guys, I’m not calling anyone cheap or slutty or anything but on the show, Garcia has had several men in her life, so I’m kinda sure she’s not “virginly”.

I DEMAND MY INSANE FANFICS HAVE CONTINUITY DAMMIT!

#4 Don’t Forget to Breathe

Hotch is the straight-laced, by the book and unflinching unit chief of the BAU. Rossi is one of the original founders of the unit and I’ll be the first to tell you he is not afraid of the ladies.

hotch&rossipose

Right: Uptight Left: Original Gangsta’

 

Before any die-hard groupies start picking up pitchforks and torches for the pilgrimage to my current location, hear me out. I’m one of you. I chose this story BECAUSE it sounds so far-fetched.

Hotchner has been having a tough time recently since his wife was murdered by the same psychopath that had attacked him and stabbed him, he is now raising his son alone and his job is in jeopardy. He needed an outlet for all his frustrations, so naturally, he began a “very friendly” relationship with Rossi.

How could you not? Just LOOK at that beard!

How could you not? Just LOOK at that beard!

These two can’t keep their hands off each other, which results in them joining the mile-high club and even doing the nasty in their offices. They eventually wind up at Rossi’s house (because of course they did) and when they get inside, Hotch gives him the “Man” treatment by forcefully kissing Rossi.

God Dammit!

God Dammit!

Hotch gets on his knees and you just KNOW he isn’t looking for a lost contact lens. Afterwards, Hotch demands Rossi return the favor which he obediently does, and as I read that sentence I laughed a good, hearty laugh because all I could think of was if it was the actual show, the only action Hotch would get would be when Rossi shot him in the crotch.

“COME AT ME BRO!”

And now my stomach hurts from all the laughing! Fanfiction Community, please never change.

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