*Since this is October, I will devote the next few articles this month around the spooky, eerie, or just plain messed up things that the next few weeks will bring us. I hope you enjoy my posts as I will be delving into the dark recesses of the Internets to bring you the best of this beloved holiday*
Halloween is that magical time of year when everyone can pretend to be someone else for one night. It’s mostly associated with kids, but adults also like to get in on the fun. Why shouldn’t they? You can be anyone you want to be: A celebrity, monsters, hell, even household items, it doesn’t matter what you are because you won’t be judged by your peers. They’re doing the same thing. It’s all in good fun and you get to act like a kid again (albeit one that can legally get wasted). Unfortunately, the options are so endless that some decide they want to dress in something really memorable but instead of cute and creative, their imaginations tend to show how sociopathic and misguided they truly are. This article only shows ten of these “costumes” but its only the tip of the iceberg. How these Trick-or-Treaters thought they were clever is beyond my comprehension, so I’ll just show you.
Just look at these guys. LOOK AT THEM! I have so many questions as I look at this costume. Who came up with this idea? Why did these two morons agree that said idea was actually good? How did they decide who would be the freaking TOILET? And why, WHY did that one guy decide to be completely naked instead of just pants down? The logistics alone baffle me. Dos Toilet Man have to sit in that uncomfortable position all night with his NAKED bro sitting on his lap? I just hope that no kids saw this insanity but secretly I also hope that Toilet Man passed out and some little kid decided to go potty on him. I also have a feeling that these two probably thought it was funny to hand out Tootsie Rolls to the little ones. Bastards.
EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW! What the HELL man?! This is not cute, clever, or remotely funny. There’s a reason why you’re standing in that corner all alone. Who would want to stand next to a used menstrual pad? I know it’s a natural thing that happens to all us women, but do you think we want to be reminded that we’re gonna be dealing with PMS soon every time we look in your direction? Its natural for us, but we still don’t need to see it dumbass. What’s most disturbing is the look on his face. There is blood around the mouth area and I could only think of one way that could have happened. He seems pleased, though, so ladies if that’s what you’re into, look him up because I’m pretty sure he’s single.
In case you didn’t know, Ray Rice is an American Football player who was arrested for third-degree aggravated assault after he punched his then-fiancee (now wife) Janay Palmer. So when you look at this picture, it is pretty obvious what is so screwed up about this couple’s costume choice. I mean, look at them. They both have mile-wide smiles as she is sporting a nasty black eye. Also, they’re in blackface but what’s disturbing is how they’re happily promoting domestic violence. Any sane human being would understand how wrong this is. This couple obviously doesn’t know what “wrong” means.
Where do I even begin? I, for one, am a Whitney Houston fan as many of us are. Instead of dressing up like her in one of her iconic outfits, this woman decided to take it past the appropriate line and dress up as Whitney when she was found dead in the bathtub of her hotel room from an apparent drug overdose. As you can see, she is laying back in the tub, wearing blackface (stop with the blackface white people. I know black people are cool, but enough is enough). I’m not sure what or who is on the picture she is holding, but I am most interested in the microphone. Did she think Whitney always used one at bath time to sing her greatest hits? Never mind. Don’t answer that.
Joan Rivers was a trailblazing comedienne, known for her quick wit, not having a filter and hilariously criticizing celebrities outfits on “Fashion Police”. Sadly she passed away suddenly in 2014 after suffering complications from an alleged botched surgery. What’s even worse is how someone thought that dressing up as a “Zombified” Joan Rivers sounded like a great party starter. Yeah, that wasn’t cool man. Too soon….just…too damn soon.
In keeping with the spirit of simple minded morons who never learned respect or common decency, look at this winner right here. Obviously, he is dressed as Superman just like the other 10,000 other people who had no imaginations that year, but this guy is special. He wasn’t going to just dress up as the famed superhero, but the quadriplegic version. Why is Superman in a wheelchair you ask? Well for those who don’t know, an actor named Christopher Reeve had become paralyzed after a devastating horse riding accident. Why is this important? Because Chris Reeve was the actor who played Superman in several films in the ’80s. So this asshole is supposed to be the paralyzed Reeve still wearing the costume he was best known for. That, my friends, is what you can call class. Classy Dumbass!!
I’ve stared at this picture for far longer than anyone should have and I still can’t even begin to describe what could have been going through this man’s feeble little mind.Of all the things he could have been for Halloween, he chose to be a sheep f***er. Sir, you could have been one of a thousand different superheroes, you could’ve been a doctor or a supervillain. Hell, you could have been JUST a sheep. yet, you chose to spend your evening with your pants down and pretending you were pleasuring a farm animal whom you no doubt named “Baaaaaarbra” or something equally stupid. Good job.
Does anyone remember what happened on September 11, 2001? If you do not, then welcome to the surface mole dweller! Even folks who live in a tiny Tuscan Village know what happened that day but in simple terms: One crazy asshat ordered a bunch of stupid asshats to hijack some airplanes full of innocent travelers and crash into The Twin Towers in New York City killing almost 3,000 people to prove some asinine asshat point. Besides the doomed passengers, many more people were also affected when they lost loved ones, were injured, many seriously, and even to this day many rescuers either suffer from PTSD or have died from illnesses connected to this catastrophe. Sounds pretty awful doesn’t it? Well, naturally, some fucktards decided it would be a good time had by all if they dressed up as the Towers complete with a little airplane crashing into the side. Get it? Like how it happened in real life? That’s some funny shit right? I’m sure these two thought that no one else would top their stupidity.
Really? REALLY?? What the hell was going through this drunken twat’s mind? If you read the entry above you already know why this is a deeply fucked up idea. And what’s up with the Easter basket he’s holding? What’s in there? Is that where he keeps hand grenades painted to look like Easter eggs in case his well-hidden chest bomb is detected? You know, I can’t even finish this entry because, as terrible a person as this will make me seem, I’m really hoping that the Drunk Bomber crashed into the above Twin Twats. It would be fitting.
*Heavy sigh* “AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
The Human Centipede is an actual movie that actually exists because apparently maximum security insane asylums allow their patients to write shitty movie scripts as therapy. I can proudly say that I have never seen this movie and can confidently say that I never intend to. The pride waned a bit though when I had to research this costume and came to the realization of what was going on in that picture. If you’ve never heard of this movie, then let me first congratulate you on making great life choices and now allow me to ruin your innocence forever. Oh, I’m not going to TELL you about it. If you’re crazy enough to want to know, you can watch the trailer here.
Now look at the picture again and see if you’re demented enough to figure out what’s going on there. I’ll wait…..
The acidy taste in the back of your mouth and churning stomach is a perfectly normal response for sane people. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT drink chocolate milk. Sorry. If it helps, my life will be forever altered for the worse, so there’s that.
In closing, I beg of you, please think long and hard about this year’s costume choices for yourself. Think about the psychological damage you can cause others and just go to the party as a ghost or something. Thanks.