Do you remember as a kid being told outlandish stories about the Boogeyman or how you shouldn’t be on the street alone at night because you could get kidnapped by a demented circus clown who will sell you to street vendors who will dress you up like a monkey and make you do tricks?
Oh, only me? Okay then.
Anyway, these are called Urban Legends. If you want to know the exact definition, I’ve been gracious enough to do the Google search for you and as always, I provide links to back up my stories (just click on the highlighted words in each section).You’re welcome.
But these stories are all bullshit, right? Our sadistic parents and mean-spirited friends made these stories up to scare us. There is no way any of this can actually happen after all.
You poor, stupid, simple-minded little child. Many of these “myths” can, and do, happen quite a bit. Sorry to wreck your rainbow and unicorn visions you had for humanity. Allow me to be the bearer of bad news. Life sucks, Deal with it.
#1 The High Cannibal
Legend: Taking PCP can turn you into a cannibal
The Truth?: Horrifically….yes.
In 2002, Anton Singleton, a rapper who goes by the name “Big Lurch”, was found wandering the streets of LA in the middle of the night naked, covered in blood and howling at the moon after a week long PCP binge.
I wish I was making this up.
When the cops checked out his apartment, they found the remains of his dead roommate with her lungs ripped out of her torso and covered in bite marks. An examination of Mr. Singleton’s stomach contents revealed they were full of human flesh.
Kids, don’t do drugs or you just may end up with a bellyful of your best buddy.
#2 The exploding Collar
Legend: There are real criminals that like to do things a’la Jigsaw Killer from the “SAW” franchise.
In late August of 2003, pizza delivery man Brian Wells wound up making a delivery that took him down a winding, deserted dirt road that led to a lone TV tower. No one knows exactly what transpired once he got there, but we do know that an hour later, this poor bastard walked into a bank with a metal contraption around his neck, a shotgun shaped like a walking cane in one hand and a note demanding a quarter million dollars in cash in the other. Brian was quickly apprehended by police who then noticed the ticking collar but inexplicably did not call a bomb squad for a half hour.
Unfortunately, by the time the bomb squad did show up, the collar exploded, leaving a “postcard size” hole in Wells’ chest. A list of tasks was found on his body that needed to be completed within a set amount of time before the collar would be removed. Sadly, the cops later discovered that even if everything had gone according to plan, there was no possible way Wells would have been able to get it all done before detonation. So Brian Wells was, effectively, screwed from the moment he made that fateful delivery.
Police believe that they have caught most of the criminals responsible although they strongly feel that there is at least one more asshole unaccounted for.
Legend: Elevator doors can close on a victim and proceed to sever heads and/or limbs as it moves. You may recognize this as appearing on several horror movies.
The Truth?: It can totally happen.
On August 16, 2003, Dr. Hitoshi Nikaidoh entered an elevator when he became pinned by the shoulders in the door. Because of an out-of-place wire inspectors believe was responsible, instead of the safety activating, the elevator began its ascent, slicing his head at mouth level leaving only his left ear and lower jaw still attached to the body.
Who I REALLY feel bad for though is the poor nurse who was already in the elevator when not only did she witness this terror, but was then stuck with a decapitated head in front of her FOR AN HOUR!
#4 The Severed Head Lives
Legend: Your head can remain aware for a bit after decapitation and can blink as well as respond to stimuli.
The Truth?: Unfortunately, for the good doctor in the last entry, it seems totally possible.
Since punishment by decapitation began, many have thought that the human head could stay alive for up to a few minutes without a body. Meaning, theoretically, that some victims were aware of what happened and thus knew what their fate was.
This is so thoroughly fucked up!
There is one story told by a Dr. Beaurieux who claimed that after the decapitation of a murderer named Languille, the criminal’s eyes continued to blink and his mouth move for several seconds. As his eyes began to close, the doctor shouted Languille’s name causing his eyes to open and fix themselves on to Beaurieux’s eyes. The process was repeated up to thirty seconds.
A more modern tale takes place in Korea in 1989 when a U.S Army veteran riding in a cab with a friend, was hit by a truck. The Vet became pinned in the wreckage, but his buddy suffered a worse fate when he was decapitated. In the Vet’s own words:
My friend’s head came to rest face up, and (from my angle) upside down. As I watched, his mouth opened and closed no less than two times. The facial expressions he displayed were first of shock or confusion, followed by terror or grief. I cannot exaggerate and say that he was looking all around, but he did display ocular movement in that his eyes moved from me, to his body, and back to me. He had direct contact with me when his eyes took on a hazy, absent expression…..and he was dead.
So to re-cap, his friend evidently looked at his headless body, knew what was coming next, and tried to talk to his pal who could do nothing except look at his disembodied head in horror until literally the very end!
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, That is so THOROUGHLY fucked up!!!
Legend: Person gets buried immediately after death. Some time later, when the coffin is exhumed and inspected, there are scratch marks on the inner lid and other evidence pointing to said person having been alive and tried to escape before succumbing to suffocation.
The Truth?: I cried when I discovered that this is very much true and still happens today! Bar none, my deepest fear that has given me nightmares.
Not only did it happen, but it happened with alarming regularity back in the day with stories going as far back as the 19th century. This naturally panicked a lot of folks and led wealthy people to purchase “safety coffins” which allowed you to raise a flag or ring a bell to alert someone that you are very much still alive underground. When embalming became more commonplace in the early 20th century, these coffins fell out of style but even in our modern days, being buried alive still happens and there are even stories of people who wake up during their own autopsy!
In 1993, a 24-year-old South African man named Sipho William Mdletshe and his fiance were in a horrendous car crash. The fiance survived, but his injuries were so severe that first responders declared him dead and was taken to the Johannesburg mortuary where he was placed in a metal box for burial. So, if you’ve been paying any attention, you now know that Sipho was not in the afterlife, simply unconscious from the accident. He spent two days and nights in the metal coffin until he finally woke up in a daze and proceeded to call for help. Luckily, two morgue workers were there to hear the screams and they promptly took him out of the box. Joy was had by all as his grieving fiance held him in her arms swearing she would never let go of him again.
No, wait, that’s not what happened at all. When he went home to his fiance, instead of a happy reunion, he was booted out the house by her because she was convinced he was a zombie.
So in conclusion….
- Don’t do drugs or you’ll end up with a bad case of “buddy squirts”.
- Always take the stairs. Even if you work on the 99th floor unless you don’t actually use your head in which case, nothing lost, right?
- Cops evidently don’t get paid overtime for extra duties like “saving your stupid life” or “noticing ticking bombs on your body”. Who’s got time for that shit?
- Start learning how to hold and maintain your breath for a few hours straight. That way, if you ever do get buried alive, you can prolong the inevitable long enough to beat yourself up for not paying extra for that “good” doctor instead of going with Dr. Nick.
- And finally, your ass really could be the last thing that goes through your mind if you aim your head right and account for wind velocity.
PLEASANT DREAMS FELLOW INSOMNIACS!